Until his first round chemotherapy is done, John Taylor feels like he’s staring down the barrel of a gun… There will be no celebration until the follow-up scans show success. Click or boom.
Twelve weeks doesn’t seem like a whole lot of time to some people. To others, like me, it seems like a lifetime. My total first course of chemotherapy is 12 weeks. My last treatment, God forbidding that any of it has to be put off for any reason, will be December 18th. Just one week before Christmas.
It’s been over a month since my diagnoses, and I still have trouble getting past that day and week. How many times do you expect to have three doctors tell you to prepare for the worst but hope for the best? I’m sure they were just saying it because it’s standard bullshit, but those are some pretty horrifying words to hear directed at you.
It quickly becomes that “I never thought this could happen to me” that you hear a lot of people say. Hell, I was still close to a 2 pack a day cigarette habit. You would have thought it would be lung cancer. Not testicular cancer that spread from pelvic region to the brain. Doesn’t quite make sense does it?
I’m getting off topic now.
Twelve weeks seems like a lifetime to me right now. I’ve gotten four weeks in so far and it is hard for me to be positive about it. People ask me if I feel like the chemo is working. The hell if I know. That’s why they do follow up scans right? I’ve also seen and read stories of people who have been through the same thing and 12 weeks was all it took. My God, I hope that becomes my story too.
In my mind, there is nothing until the new scans. There is no celebration or feelings of elation. Until those new scans are complete and we know where we are, I feel like I’m just staring down the barrel of a mental gun, waiting to see if it’s gonna pop or just click. There are still answers I want to know. There is still the matter of the tumor in the brain and whether the chemo is even working for it. Of course there is THE question of “Is this working at all?”
Perhaps I let myself get a little too pessimistic about it. Who knows. In some ways, I think I have that right. Even fighters have their low points in a round or two. For now, it’s just wait time. I’ll keep on with treatment, keep on fighting the good fight, and just keep on waiting to find out.
Click or Boom.
Originally appeared at The DaddyYo Dude
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